Told me after he left that he wasnt giving up his friends, any of them. I wish you all peace and kindness in your lives. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. Or, maybe its just that this network isnt designed for the marriage that has already fallen apart? Steve agreed to put software on his computer so that I could see all that he was up to and maybe you can ask if he will offer to do that too? They have forgiven you time and time again. A director on the chamber of commerce. Narcissistic behavior on the job can arise at any time, with troubling results. It makes me feel good and yet its a fantasy that hes interested in anything I have to say since not one single word of response. Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. You should also make it clear in this report that you fear this may be a symptom of the medication he has been prescribed. Nothing will convince them or change them. The best thing you can do is work on your own codependence. His emotional and verbal abuse has only gotten worse since I was originally diagnosed. -but the most disgusting Thing he has made up is to lie about is that I was sexually abused by adult family member as a child and he sometimes says Im still being sexual abused/raped??!!?!!? The other piece of this for me isI know that somewhere along the way, Im going to really NEED him for something. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). Now that I decided that I want him in my life . Further if you are married to someone who is spending your money on gambling, an affair etc. I cant thank you enough for all you do. Reading your post and you said you love him, my heart went out to you because the love will still be there for him. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. He cant sustain connection for any consistent amount of time. Thank you. 7 Cut off all communication. Hi Beth The situation you are dealing with indeed sounds very extreme but the situation you are now in demonstrates why running away usually doesnt work. I looked on the ph billhe talked with her for 6 min on that horrible day he was having, he never said excuse me Ill have to get back to you, Im busy, nope he chitty chatted and dumped on me. I dont want my children to be like him. 1) During your deployments R&R, as I was in the process giving up my job, selling my home, pack, finding a rental home in a new state that I didnt know a soul in. I dont want to possess him or be obsessed with him. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. As Kym and others have said living with someone with NPD is at best very difficult and at worst totally impossible. For how to get in control of a double life, I really dont see any chance. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). 3. Just one question: How to set a boundary if someone is flirtatious in general but you dont know how far this goes? 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. Ive been involved with a total narcissist. I have also tried Kims suggestion at not allowing my husband to put me down when he is trying to shut me up bc he cant handle hearing an opposing opinion or something that points out a negative or fault of hismy husband likes to tell me how to do certain mundane tasks like cleaning up after my new dog when she releases herself on our floor. So nice to get your response and timely! I really was obsessed about his cheating. 3) You wanted to clean up your credit and had a car repo on it. I met my friend over 30 years ago. What Renee wrote could have been written by me. There is no going forward in the relationship as he is unable to discuss any situation or take responsibilty for his behave. Our whole program is about you becoming authoritive and able to take the lead effectively. As you can imagine finances have been a total mess and Im trying to save bits at a time for your book. I am done beating my head into a wall. Play as nice as you can and de escalate the fight and let the heat come down on him from police. My advice is not to have to live with someone like this because it is not love but something not yet defined in the annals of DSM and will and does only get worse over time. Good work Mary! I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. You like to be sick. You are impressed and begin focusing your attention on them. N decided that he did not need to keep this promise despite it being made a few years ago to protect all of us from hurting each other, should one of us move on, because we are very much a family. So it is a balancing act to be courageous about setting boundaries but also being as warm as you are able to be. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. - Listen to How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them by The Narcissists' Code instantly on your tablet, phone or . Liar! Setting boundaries is one thing but if he is not attached to you yet it probably wont work. I dont allow myself to be in the position of bad guy these days. My guy and I are apart a lot of the time but he still managed to be emotionally and mentally abusive to me after the honeymoon period of our relationship ended. He does not know how to be himself as a child so when he has questions and here is the hard part for me to remember, he really doesnt know beyond the child age he is. 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. If he gets caught off guard when the police question him what is he going to say, that you keyed your own car?. After they are grown you can have whatever unhealthy or healhty relationship you want its your choice. Marie, sorry to hear. Leaving can set of behaviour you might not be expecting and it is best if you are prepared. So correction, I enjoy a good material life, but nothing more really. I have been debating for the past 2 years on whether or not I will stay. Finally I knew I couldnt live like that and I had to leave. As we know narcissists often act in ways that defy all definition of normal. I cannot take any more. and we had had a moment together. I use to say to myself, o my goodness, how in the world will we ever get to the stuff that makes us want to be with people. She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. Do I just let go of this since it is the past? Your suggestions would probably work with those who have narcissistic tendencies but not people who have malignant narcissism which is a very rare condition. Let go and let God I say! It will serve as a reminder that you too are in control of things. Others think he is wonderful. He is very sensitive. I wonder if maybe there is something else you wish to gain in doing so.?. Hes a gigolo too, pretty sure of it.I need him out of here and dont know how to be more blunt. There is no promise once you get stronger that he will change or that in the end you will want to stay with him but you need to start righting the power imbalance in your home if there is to be any positive outcome for yourself. After numerous requests for cooperation (5 years), (met with abject denials) I eventually went to my boss and asked that I deal with her through emails. Doing so, it began to dawn on me why my husband is who he is. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. I suggest, with respect, you get out of the way and let them learn their lessons. What you want is for his doctor to understand that he may be held responsible if he does not take your letter seriously. I will try the technic to make someone else be the bad guy, but I dont know if I may have waited to long. I feel I did a very good job of using the above techniques the second I realized I had a narcissist on my hands. There was no mention of when we could see each other and I guess I had to accept it But noooo I didnt instead I confronted my n by saying that my friends have noticed how sad and depressed I am and certain friends were concerned about me. Thanks everybody for sharing. You cannot judge a persons personal choices involving themselves and their body by how it makes you feel, that is your responsibility. Ill set boundaries. We would have conversations and he would tell me that I need a spanking, o no. Learning to spot non productive conversations and end them before they begin is vital. A thought becomes action. Manipulative people, like narcissists, can hook their victims in with a tactic called "love bombing." It's the stage of the relationship where they identify their target, then make them feel like the most special person in the world by showering them with compliments, affection, and gifts. Why do feel the need to write and give him this or, of the sort, letter? Force them to listen with strong eye contact, confident posture, and an even, firm tone. Avoid challenging a narcissist's opinion or point of view. Is there anything I can do at this point to help the situation? He couldnt see any connection to his actions and thought that I was arbitrary and unfair. I know that dyslexics can overcome their disability by sort of rewiring their brains, and can learn to read and write, but I understand that this is a difficult process that takes some time. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. He is a man who keeps running away from commitments , he is traumatized . How many more years do I give to a man that proves over and over that hes not going to change? Over the christmas break, whilst my daughter was with her dad, I spent 3 fabulous days with his daughter and him only to find on the last day being rushed out of the house so that he could watch a rugby match with his best mate with no idea when Ill see him again. Emotionally it would have felt to me like defeat I couldnt make myself go that road I was shunned enough. Your opinion on the matter is no longer relevant. Thank you again. Steve had pretended everyone loved him at work but of course that wasnt true. Til death do us part. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. He got tunnel vision obsessed with job the aderall had him on the go, then yo projects in house( over 3 years and not one of the many projects to house completed) I was mainly emotional, feeling ignored by him. I know this is his way of turning this back onto me. It needs to flap its wings until blood flows to each vien in order to escape the cocoon.